Memories

this was written awhile back…

listen….

do you hear that?

it is so loud.
i can’t block it out.
i can’t wish it away
           ~believe me i’ve tried
i’ve tried praying for it to stop.

it sometimes seems never ending
the only time i don’t hear it is when i’m sleeping
           ~unless of course I’m being haunted by it through the pictures in my dreams

i’m referring to the constant dialogue going on in my head
lately it has been so loud and i just can’t seem to turn it off
during the days when i’m home alone
i try to cover it up by watching tv or running errands and listening to music
but lately it just won’t stop
it’s so loud
at times my mind won’t shut off and when days go by and all i hear is the arguing goin’ on in my head
i feel wretched

do u have this?
does it ever bother u?
the internal struggle
it’s ripping me up from the inside out right now
and external sources are just making the process faster

all this may seem foreign to those that don’t have much to worry with
maybe you’re good at dealing with stress and the life circumstances that lead you down a treacherous path

i am a worrier
it’s my nature
i hate it
it would be the first thing i would change about me if i had the choice

the conversations in my head pull me into a dark hole
it buries a pit in my stomach that feels as if it weighs a ton
the lump that swells in my throat as i hear these constant voices
the tears that flood my eyelids
just side effects of this dialogue

no one needs to worry about me
the depression i’m dealing with is only temporary
it comes…
it goes…
it may last a few more weeks this time
or maybe just a few more days

when i can get outside my head and can think clearly again
i know i’m too blessed to be this down
i let things get to me
but the harder i try to stop
the worse it gets
it can be an endless cycle

so if you have an extra second to pray that i “may have a calm”…
i’d be grateful

for-
the storm in my head needs to subside
i need to rise to see sunlight
i need eyes without tears
a throat that is clear
a stomach that is not heavy
shoulder that no longer feel weighed down by the troubles of the world.

………thanks for reading